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This article is a critical institutional analysis of the academy; its purpose is to turn our critical gaze inward to openly examine higher education's tenure, promotion, and peer-review practices. These practices, once meant to ensure quality and rigour, now instead operate as sites of subjugation, perverted by the audit culture so pervasive at my own institution and, I would suggest, many others as well. The following paper provides a brief overview of the audit culture, its effects, a critique, and with the intent to move beyond critique, proposes alternatives to be added to peer-reviewed journal articles as measures by which to credibly evaluate our scholarly work.