Letting Go of LDis/ability at My Intersections of Pain Through Poetry

• In Event: By Being HUMAN: A Collaborative Self-Study of Intersectional and Emotional Disability Narratives Within Higher Education

Abstract

The following poems manifested from my soul, where my Learning Disability (LD) and Special Education trauma live. Given word space, I am only including the first four stances of each poem and only four of the six poems. I will include an emotion narrative analysis of all six in the full panel paper and situate them with my other autoethnographic texts within the literature.

Not (I am) ENOUGH
Not Enough
LD label encapsulates
Self into not being ENOUGH
Invisible to self and others; hidden social construction of LDis/ability

I am tired
My identities are tired
The hegemony of ableism and other isms and
stereotypes
Creeping in my mind in educational contexts makes me tired

Who am I?
I am lost in others’ perceptions
I am not in my own
That rings true to my heart, mind, soul, and spirit
Resisting through the social-relational model of LDis/ability to transcend

The medical model of disability captures me
Resisting through the social-relational model of LDis/ability to transcend
. . .

LDis/ability Pain Turned into Teacher Education Praxis
Who am I?
What is my emotion-laden talk and story about my LD at my intersections of identity and power?

NEVER written
Only felt daily
How to release it and transform?

Middle-school special education self-contained room
The homology of the field of LD and special education: damaging
Wanting to deconstruct it forever and everyone; now and forever
How do I do that?

By speaking
By going to therapy
By writing poems and painting
By being HUMAN and AUTHENTICALLY YOU
. . .

Toward Applying My VOICE Theory to My Body, Mind, and Soul to Heal
Weight unknown to all but me
The nature of emotion is mysterious
No more silence and fear
Releasing all through writing

Strength from the writing goddesses
They will tell me what to say in order to create new narratives and self
Journey to true self-given psychic damage and imposition and implosion of confidence and self-perception
Fear comes but goes and then comes; up and down; sideways and throughout

No longer afraid to feel what I feel
No longer ashamed to RESIST and VOICE resistance to the master negative narratives of LD that box me into fear
No longer guilt turned to fear at my throat for BEING
No longer controlled by LDis/abilityand Special Education

Hope lies in writing out my pain and not giving into fear
Vulnerability is the flip side of fear
Love, self and other love brings hope
Being in the NOW; while embracing vulnerability of whole-self can lead to new narratives of self and other(s) and the world
. . .

Meta-Emotion and Reflection
Narrating about my LD and Special Education trauma has been liberating but at the same time scary. Scary due to the fear that the trauma brings up in me. I am hopeful, however, that I am in a safety critical emotion praxis friendship space to express and reclaim my humanity as it relates to my LD and Special Education trauma at my intersections of power and privilege.

Author

• David Isaac Hernandez-Saca, University of Northern Iowa