Walking in Two Worlds: Queer Autobiography as a Space to Come Undone

• In Event: Challenging Dominant Narratives Through Student Autobiographies and Testimonios

Abstract

Objectives
As educators, we never know our students (Ellsworth, 1997). But, what if we could know them better? they could know us? that knowing made us more critical educators/learners? That goal is central to Queer(ing) Topics in Education, the course providing the context here. The course’s primary assignment is a queer autobiography. Instantiations span the semester and include student reflections and in-text conversations between instructor and student. By semester’s end, together, they create beautiful, sometimes painful, sometimes contentious messes of growing pains. Here, co-authors, Les (instructor) and Hope (student) share this experience’s impact on them.

Perspective(s)
The “queer” in “Queer Autobiography” means it’s not a typical reflection about who students are/how they know themselves. Queer captures sexual and/or gender identities that complicate the “norm,” and aims to destabilize, resist, and disrupt “regimes of normal” (Warner, 1993) that police and marginalize. Students write in/through their experiences, troubling ways they understand themselves/the world. This assignment takes seriously that learning does something to learners (Luhmann, 1998; Britzman, 1995) and is informed by learning/ unlearning, crisis, discomfort (Feldman, 1995, Kumashiro, 1999).

Method
Data include Hope’s autobiography and interactions between she and Les. Excerpts were chosen to initiate reflective conversations and constructs listed above were used for qualitative analyses.

Results
Findings suggest the in-process/dialogic nature of coming undone incites critical--and tender--self-reflection, provoking action. Central to Hope was religion. A committed, but conflicted, Mormon--in January she stated, “I am still an active participant in the LDS church because so much of the doctrine resonates with me.” By March, she questioned that commitment:

This is still true, but I wonder how much I’m reacting in fear... I can’t explain what it feels like to be involved in this [queer] work other than to say, as a person who hasn’t ever settled in a literal home for more than a few years, it feels like the home I’ve always wanted…. warm... exciting… important.

Hope’s deeply held beliefs felt wrong; queer ideas felt more right--and while exciting, there was “nagging fear.” Les’ response attended to unlearning/crisis, emotionality, while honoring Hope’s history and fear:

This makes sense. My mom’s a devout Catholic,... I don’t agree with the doctrine… but I hope it’s true…because it would crash her to the ground if not. ...that’s the beauty of faith….if it’s pure/giving..., why question it? ...when doctrine... targets people, that’s when I wonder….

Hope couldn’t ignore her learning/unlearning and posted to her church website, condemning their homophobia, later sharing, “I feel like walking in these two worlds [Mormonism and queer activism] might be beyond me.” The autobiography provided what Luhmann (1995) calls, “conditions that make learning possible” (p. 153), learning that provokes action, and space for Hope to queer her conceptions of right/wrong, love/hate, and of God.

Significance
This paper underscores the need for educators to attend to ways that learning undoes students. It points to educators’ role in generating space and our willingness to be impacted as well.

Authors

• Bethy Leonardi, University of Colorado - Boulder

• Mary Quantz, University of Colorado - Boulder