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Tales of a gigantic octopus-like monster that devours everything in its path is found throughout the myths and legends of a number of cultures. From the Greek Kraken to the Norse Hafgufa, this enormous sea creature lurks under the surface, mouth open, and disguised as the sea, the bay, the rocks. It then uses its mighty tentacles to capture any unsuspecting ship, creature, or whatnot that came within reach. In this piece, we use the Kraken as a metaphor to explore what we see as examples of the gross commodification of doctoral education in education. Despite our own best intentions otherwise, we do function as parts of larger wholes, degree generating machines that churn out degrees at an increasingly alarming rate. Here, we ponder the ethics and implications of doctoral student recruiting firms such as HotChalk, programs and universities that churn out doctorates by the literal thousands, and the outsourcing of data analysis and writing tasks by those candidates with either enough cash or desperation to make it worthwhile.