"I'm Not Your Superwoman": An Autoethnographic Study Exploring Black Motherhood During the Doctoral Journey

• In Event: Fabulating Futures With Academic Mothers: Provocations for Higher Education

Abstract

Purpose: The purpose of this autoethnographic study is to bring more awareness to the ways that the Strong Black Woman trope has influenced Black women, who mother, in academia. In this paper, I explore how the trope affected me during the pandemic while I was on the doctoral journey.

Theoretical Framework: This study uses Patricia Hill Collins’ “Matriarch” stereotype as the lens in which my lived experiences were analyzed. Collins (2002) discusses the matriarch/ Strong Black Woman (SBW) trope and how Black women are scrutinized. This scrutiny by a patriarchal society attempts to “[erode] their self-confidence and ability to confront oppression” (Collins, 2002, p. 78). This stereotype questions Black women’s role as mothers and blames them for the downfall of their households, and on a larger scale, their community. Due to this undue pressure, Black women mothers cannot be vulnerable, ask for help, or feel that they must be strong at all times. Because of this, Black women mothers are suffering in silence. I use Collins’ matriarch to demonstrate how this trope affected my doctoral journey during the pandemic.

Methods and data sources: I chose autoethnography because I not only analyze my lived experience, but I also discuss how that experience is connected to cultural norms (Gallardo et al, 2009) as a Black woman mother.

The data for this paper derived from my private journals. I selected journal entries from March 2020 to May 2021. March 2020, those on campus had to leave due to COVID-19. Then, I completed my doctoral journey in May 2021. Although the pandemic is ongoing, the time frame served as a glimpse into my lived experiences as a Black woman, mother, daughter, and doctoral student completing my dissertation. Out of 426 journal entries, I only included entries that mentioned being a Black woman, motherhood, the PhD journey, and COVID-19. During analysis, I included reflections of those entries.

Results: The preliminary analysis of the journal entries revealed several themes: 1) Guilty feelings and the lack of finances 2) Being the voice of reason- Due to the pandemic, there were instances when I had to make tough decisions for the family 3) Questioning whether I belong- Due to civil unrest, the pandemic, and the responsibilities of motherhood, I asked if I belonged in academia. Within these themes, the Strong Black Woman trope was prevalent throughout but was displayed in various ways such as not wanting to fail, not having many people to confide in, and having to be strong for everyone.

Significance: I acknowledge that this paper does not represent all Black mothers’ experiences during their doctoral journey; however, this paper will delve into my lived experience and shed light into how toxic stereotypes cause damage to marginalized populations. Within this autoethnography, I add to the current literature about Black motherhood and Black women’s graduate experiences. Additionally, this action of “mothering” can be taxing, especially when stereotypes cause more pressure during an already stressful doctoral journey and a worldwide pandemic.

Author

• A.C. Johnson, University of Alabama
  Presenting Author