The "Too-Much-ness" of the Miscarrying Mother

• In Event: Fabulating Futures With Academic Mothers: Provocations for Higher Education

Abstract

Purpose: The purpose of this chapter is to address a topic that is rarely talked about in general life, let alone the Academic sphere—miscarriage. The miscarrying mother often suffers in isolation, but that isolation is compounded with a pandemic environment. This paper is a combination of research and catharsis as I explore my own experiences of suffering a miscarriage during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic.

Theoretical Framework: Rosi Braidotti’s (2020) notion of “too-much-ness” guides the exploration of miscarriage in pandemic-era Academia. Braidotti describes “too-much-ness” as when “fatigue, fear, and despair overlap and accumulate to produce a feeling of utter impotence”. The feeling of too-much-ness “brings about a shrinking of our ability to take in and on the world that we are in, simply because it hurts too much to take it in and on” (p. 468). Braidotti is not the first to use this phrase, but it is her understanding of the term that serves as the framework for this chapter, as both the original experience and the re-living of it were inextricably connected to this feeling of it all being too much.

Methods and Data Sources: Rather than interviewing another person who had suffered a miscarriage or having another researcher interview me, I chose to act as both the researcher and participant for this study by conducting a self-interview. Researcher Me created the interview protocol, and Participant Me shared raw, honest responses. Performing the self-interview not only allowed Researcher Me to ask questions that I knew Participant Me would be willing to answer, but it also allowed Participant Me to only share what I wanted, how I wanted.

I also utilized poetic transcription (Glesne, 1997; Butler-Kisber, 2010) in addition to “strict” (Hammersley, 2010) transcription. Poetic transcription allowed for an examination of the responses from a different point of view, while also offering both Me’s a deeper exploration of an experience rife with profound feelings.

Results: The process of the self-interview (and writing the entire chapter) was deeply cathartic and much more emotional than I anticipated. My normal binge-writing strategy was not possible with this project, as I had to step away from the keyboard time and again, overcome by the same feeling of “too-much-ness” that relentlessly pursued me during the original miscarriage. The self-interview and poetic transcription allowed me to explore my miscarriage experience from multiple angles while also providing clarity for which parts of my experience were the most resounding. The idea of “too-much-ness” wove through all of it, providing a definition for a feeling that is so often indescribable.

Significance: This chapter not only discusses a topic that unfairly continues to be stigmatized and quieted, but it also uses an interview technique that is not often used. While this piece obviously holds personal significance for me, my hope is that it can bring the conversation into the open and provide a sense of connection for other Academic mothers who have also gone through the “too-much-ness” that is a miscarriage.

Author

• Kelsey H. Guy, University of Alabama
  Presenting Author