The Emotional Burden of Studying White Emotionalities: My Kuwento, My Testimony

• In Event: Me-Search: Pursuing Race, Culture, and Gender in the Heart and Healing Work of Qualitative Inquiry

Abstract

Objectives/Purposes
Part of me-search, per Gardner et al. (2017), is acknowledging oneself in their research. Yet, researchers are taught to set aside oneself for greater objectivity. Is objectivity truly attainable or even desirable? As Denzin and Giardina (2010) capture, qualitative inquiry is “NOT JUST A QUALITATIVE STUDY”; indeed, it is “ethically responsible activist research” (original text, p. 17) and thusly to engage in said research, a researcher must tie who we are and the passions that drove us to this place to “advance human rights and social justice through qualitative research” (p. 36). Acknowledging this, I begin with me in my own research. Particularly, how researching white emotionalities came to be and what was the emotional toll exacted in doing this work.

Perspective/Theoretical Framework/Scholarly Significance
We are “now entering a moment of emboldened en/whitening epistemology that is characterized by the perverse re-appropriation of civil rights and socially just terminologies and concepts – once used to support the rights of People of Color – to instead strengthen White nationalism” (Matias & Newlove, 2017, p. 921). Simply, certain terminologies/concepts cannot be applied unilaterally/interchangeably. Thus, teaching ethnic studies, critical race theory, and even culturally relevant teaching were not enough to transform my white teacher candidates into co-conspirators (see Love, 2019). I had to think anew. So, it behooved me to revisit the self: Why did I come here in the first place? For me, the research and practice of racially just teaching were not simply to preach on TedTalks, CNN spots, or podcasts. Though research must start with the self, my research was more about actualizing change for others; for if not, what is the purpose of such research? For this theoretical and reflective paper, I interweave critical race theory and a critical study of whiteness throughout my analysis of my kuwento (story in Filipino) to show how revisiting my past through new lenses has informed how I research today.

Methods
This theoretical and reflective paper dives into the me in my own research because doing so reminds all researchers why we do what we do in the first place. Specifically, it seeks to self-reflect, self-interrogate, and demonstrate the need for self-love in researching the emotionalities of whiteness in teacher education. Because, as Gardner et al. (2017) suggest, if research is to be “connected to one’s identity or positionality” (p. 90) then I must begin with who am I to even consider myself apt enough to conduct this type of research. To do this, I begin with the importance of a kuwento (see Jocson, 2008/2009) as a method.

Results/Connection to Conference
By returning to the me in me-search and specifically why and how I study the emotionalities of whiteness, I can demonstrate 1) how I move the me-search beyond me and 2) help others navigate the particularities of doing said work. For to not divulge the emotional toll it takes to conduct racially just research, not only makes me negligent to other scholars, but to the entire AERA conference theme.

Author

• Cheryl E. Matias, University of San Diego