We Ain’t Going If She Can’t Come With Me: An Auto-ethnography of a Black Single Mama who Walked Across EVERY Stage with her Daughter

• In Event: Black Motherscholarship within and Beyond the Academy: Reconceptualizing Radical Futurity

Abstract

This paper is an autoethnography that explores the systemic and cultural marginalization experienced by a Black single, queer mother scholar throughout her academic career as she matriculates through various predominantly white institutions. The purpose of this paper is to illuminate the persistent barriers that continue to marginalize mother scholars; to examine how intersecting identities of race, motherhood, and queerness shape one’s scholarly journey; and to advocate for institutional policies and practices that affirm and value scholars in their wholeness including their familial roles and personal identities.
Grounded in Black feminist thought (Collins, 2000; hooks, 1984), queer theory (Lorde, 1984), critical race theory (Brown & Jackson, 2022), and an autoethnographic approach (Ellis, 2004; Holman Jones, 2005), this paper employs personal narrative as a rigorous scholarly methodology to illuminate how intersecting identities of race, motherhood, and queerness shape academic journeys. Through this lens, it interrogates how academic spaces often impose surveillance, discipline, and exclusion on Black single mothers, pressuring them to fragment or suppress key aspects of who they are to fit within narrow, hegemonic ideals of belonging.
Organized around four reflective stages: internal acceptance; discourse and confusion from those expected to be supportive; acts of resistance; and finally, acceptance and embodiment of intersecting identities, this paper draws from the author’s own lived experiences, institutional interactions, family photographs chronicling milestone moments shared with her daughter, and reflections written by her daughter. Together, these sources bring to light the everyday negotiations and acts of courage required to exist unapologetically in academic spaces as a Black single queer mother.
The narrative shows that academia often marginalizes and disciplines Black single mothers, compelling them to suppress or fragment aspects of their identity to fit institutional expectations. Yet, moments of deliberate resistance such as choosing to walk across graduation stages hand-in-hand with a child, become powerful affirmations of identity, care, and belonging. These acts challenge exclusionary norms and redefine academic success on terms rooted in authenticity and relationality. While the presence of supportive faculty reveals how empathy and institutional flexibility can transform mother scholars’ experiences, such support is too often exceptional rather than the norm.
Ultimately, this paper contributes to scholarly conversations about Black motherhood, queer identity, and critical autoethnography by foregrounding the lived experiences of a Black single queer mother scholar. It calls for systemic and cultural change within academia to create inclusive, family-affirming environments where scholars and their children are not merely accommodated but celebrated. By using personal narrative as a critical lens, this paper invites audiences to rethink what is valued in academic spaces and challenges institutions to move beyond token gestures toward genuine structural inclusion.

Author

• Daphanie N. Bibbs, University at Buffalo - SUNY