The Battle of Self-Exploration

• In Event: Critical and Embodied Literacies: Narrations of Unforgetting by Intergenerational Women of Color

Abstract

“You never know, things can change.” These words echo in my head as my mother’s response to the certainty of my sexuality remains the same, time and time again. Perhaps it’s her stubborn Taurus placement or disconnect from the LGBTQIA+ community, but these words remain persistent in her skepticism. Nonetheless, I can only blame it on the stars, because it certainly doesn’t stem from a lack of love, making it all the more confusing. Unlike most members of the LGBTQIA+ community I have encountered, I’m a late bloomer. I didn’t come out as a lesbian until the end of my senior year, largely because I didn’t know.
I grew up in a Hispanic Catholic household, knowing the stories of Adam and Eve and being taught that anything different was not how it was written. I never agreed with the idea, but attributed it to my more liberal values. Although this is specific to my home environment, my schooling experiences were just as difficult to navigate. At school, the only openly queer people, which weren’t many, were “visibly” queer. This shaped my ideas of the community and convinced me that I, a feminine woman with straight female friends, couldn’t possibly be a part of it. I didn’t fit the description. Thoughts I had dismissed as intrusive and assumed were normal but unspoken led me to a truth I never allowed myself to imagine. It took time, but I listened to who I was all along. Despite the rocky and isolating journey, it brought me the greatest freedom and pride in the end. In thinking of our current political climate, where identities are increasingly erased and silenced, how can we cultivate safe spaces that allow for self-discovery? As educators dedicated to furthering liberatory education, how can we present a wide spectrum of identities, not to “push an agenda,” but to invite exploration, belonging, and becoming?

Author

• Kylee Lopez, Colgate University