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This critical autoethnography served to situate the author, a white, female graduate student, in the throes and tensions of existing in systems of coloniality and racial capitalism while learning about and striving to embody decolonial feminist and antiracist praxis. As a teacher educator, I aim to teach pre-service teachers literacy methods integrated with decolonial theory and antiracism. Expressed through poetic inquiry and critical essays, this study is part of the ongoing, deep self-examination grounded in critical theory that (tries to) make antiracist, culturally relevant pedagogy – however imperfect - possible at all. In this study, I analyzed my poetry exploring decolonial theories in education, integrated creative writing with the analysis, and implemented decolonial feminisms with Critical Whiteness Studies as theoretical synergy.