(Re)Examining the Examined: A Radical Self-Love Narrative Inquiry of Critical Self-Reflection

• In Event: Equity-Focused Scholarship as Emancipatory and Liberatory Advocacy for Women of Color in Academia

Abstract

Purpose
The AERA 2022 theme highlights the historical moment we are currently experiencing. This includes “the four pandemics” outlined by Ladson-Billings (2021), and also the reimagining of typically White spaces, specifically the academy, by Women of Color (WoC). WoC have bravely and boldly brought their full-selves to the academy through their courageous scholarship (Fenton et al., 2017 Ohito et al., 2019; Boveda, 2019); teaching (Belle, 2016; Kulkurni et al., 2021) and service (Dover et al., 2019; Valdez et al., 2017). Unsurprisingly, coming to a place where this is possible has not always been valued. It is in this context that I wrote the article, “Critical Self-Reflection as Disruption: A Black Feminist Self-Study”. In this piece I lay bare my insecurities and anxieties in teaching culturally responsive practices in a special education course as a junior-faculty member on tenure-track. Here, I will discuss why I wrote the piece and the ways in which I am moving forward with my teaching, research and service through love, courage and community.

Perspective
This session is a reflection of a self-study that uses both Black Feminist Theory and Radical Self-Love (Taylor, 2021) as theoretical lenses. Black Feminist Theory allowed me to make meaning of the findings of my study. This meaning is then filtered through the lens of Radical Self-Love, which allows me to understand myself in the academy without apology. It also allows me to build capacity to give authentically to my students, writing and meaningful service.

Methods and Data sources
I use narrative inquiry to reflect upon my study. The study examined both focus group interviews from teacher candidates and my journal reflections. The analysis indicated that teacher candidates found the process of critical self-reflection as important work when assessing students at the intersection of (dis)abilities, race and class. The reflective journal entries revealed that I struggled with pushing teacher candidates to engage in action towards social justice within their classrooms. Further, the signals I received from senior faculty to play it safe and not push students to do anything uncomfortable created tensions that required further investigating. I use this as data within this session to set the stage for my transcendence and its effect on my teaching, research and service.

Findings and Significance
As I reflect upon my previous study, I see how imposter syndrome was my constant companion. This and my tenuous position as a junior faculty member aligned to forge a heavy weight of insecurity and doubt in my value in my department. I also understand the importance of bringing my whole self to the academy and the tension between the desire to be whole and the type of work I felt I had to avoid in order to gain tenure. Research indicates that my experiences are not unique (Kelly-Jackson, 2015). It is imperative for WoC to bring their full humanity into the academy within the context of radical self-love, for it is there that meaningful transformation happens. From there, the work moves beyond an academic exercise to revolutionary change.

Author

• Benikia Kressler, California State University - Fullerton