Hiding and/or Disclosing Your Affair: Negotiating Secrecy in an Age of Transparency

• In Event: Student Forum Roundtables Session
  In Refereed Roundtable (90 minute): Roundtable 17: Family, Relationships and Household Dynamics

Abstract

Secrecy is part and parcel of social interaction and life. At the same time, however, transparency, honesty, and openness are key paradigms of contemporary intimate relationships. How is secrecy understood and managed in a context that celebrates transparency and honesty? I examine this question through the case of non-consensual non-monogamy (NCNM), colloquially referred to as infidelity, cheating, or having an affair. NCNM lends itself to this question, given that it is commonly associated with secrecy, lies, and deceit in everyday life. Empirically, the project draws upon 44 semi-structured interviews with individuals based in England who have personal experiences of NCNM. First, I outline how interviewees discuss secrecy, transparency, and openness with regard to intimate relationships and NCNM at large. Next, I outline three processes of how secrecy is managed in the contemporary intimacy zeitgeist: (1) hiding, (2) coming clean, and (3) bounded honesty. My analysis illustrates how people who break norms, agreements, and rules in the context of intimate relationships, in particular, concerning secrecy, transparency, and openness, do not challenge the social order at large. Instead, they breach and adhere to a myriad of social norms and rules simultaneously, for example, by framing a secret as legitimate, disclosing their NCNM, or carefully pursuing a combination or redirection of disclosure and secrecy. Furthermore, this study illustrates the limitations of a conceptual contrasting of transparency and honesty versus secrecy and deception in the intimacy domain.

Author

• Simone Schneider, University of Cambridge