Undone and (Mis)Recognized: Disorienting Experiences of a Queer, Trans* Educator

• In Event: 16.027 - Educators Queering Academia: Critical Memoirs

Abstract

Purpose
In my memoir, I work within the storytelling tradition as articulated by Clare (1999) to counter the erasure of queer and trans* narratives. Through episodic storytelling, I describe the negation processes of being undone and/or (mis)recognized that I experienced as a graduate student and bourgeoning academic.

Modes of Inquiry
To unpack these processes, I drew on “Thinking Autoethnographically with Theory.” This approach melded autoethnographic research methods (Heider, 1975; Patton, 2004) with post-structural theory (Jackson & Mazzei, 2012). Within this approach, I dissociated from mechanistic coding and the desire to present coherent narratives (Jackson & Mazzei, 2012). I leveraged multiple theoretical voices that underscored how “plugging” theory to data and data to theory can yield complex and rhizomatic narratives (Jackson & Mazzei, 2012).

Perspectives Taken
In order to deepen the analysis of the life history materials I collected, I drew on Ahmed (2006), Merleau-Ponty (2002), and Husserl (2001). Building on Ahmed’s (2006) articulation of disorientation, I describe deviations made from what might be considered typical paths to those that generate new and unpredictable lines. In describing disorientation, I articulated the ways that consciousness is a sedimentary body of knowledge and the ways that experiences and mental processes leave sediments (Merleau-Ponty, 2002). I also built on the notion of sedimentation as an awakening and remembering, using leaps over certain layers to describe how certain stories get told and why (Husserl, 2001).

Data Sources
I created a table of contents to think about my life history. Drawing on Koro-Ljungberg’s (2016) notion of “data-wants,” I sought to reverse knowledge flows wherein researchers consider data’s desire for theory rather than proscribe theories a priori (p. 48). In conversation with the data, I considered how the table of contents of my life history connected with particular theories and methods. Based on key moments and turning points, I selected story fragments to describe disorientations and the process of taking new, unexpected paths (Ahmed, 2006).

Results
I share several story fragments and articulate different time periods, contexts, and prior selves both before and during graduate school. In the first act, I tell a story of living an impossible life, one in which I am unintelligible to others, especially through my educational records as revealed in my admissions process to graduate school. Next, I tell two shorter stories using the theoretical tools of fragments and sediments, one in the classroom, and another in the boardroom of an organization. In the second act, I talk about the ways that white, male privilege manifested in my experiences.


Significance
These stories reveal the various paths one might consider while navigating educational organizations. Having a sedimented gender history like mine means I am often (mis)recognized and undone throughout a variety of administrative, interpersonal, and pedagogical situations. In articulating my own story and connecting that partially shared story with others, solidarity may be possible. Through storytelling, I sought to reveal a certain kind of way of being in the world that is made difficult by the assumptions and actions of others.

Author

• Erich N. Pitcher, Oregon State University