Do You Value Me for Who I Really Am? Daily Experiences of Conditional Regard in Adolescence

• In Event: Children’s Construction of the Self Across Contexts, People, and Time

Abstract

Do people value me for who I really am? Or do they value me only when I meet their expectations? These questions become pressing during adolescence (Crone & Dahl, 2012). As one adolescent reported, “My mom is really on my case because I’m not living up to what she wants me to be. If I get A’s in school she acts like she is proud of me. But if I don’t, she doesn’t approve of me, you could say how she treats me is conditional on how I do.” (Harter et al., 1996, p. 361).

Scholars have theorized that such experiences of conditional regard convey to adolescents that they are not valued for who they really are but only for what they do or achieve (e.g., Burhans & Dweck, 1995; Horney, 1939; Rogers, 1961). When they perceive conditional regard, adolescents may experience a drop in self-esteem and feel less inclined to show their true, authentic self to others. Moreover, as adolescents learn that being valued is something that has to be earned and can be lost, they may become more anxious, more likely to avoid tasks that entail the risk of failure, and more likely to seek approval by showcasing their successes. We conducted an online daily diary study to test these hypotheses. Design, hypotheses, and analysis plans were pre-registered at OSF: https://osf.io/fxgtr/?view_only=5594c2a6e4934130b19b4dc9b579b395.

Participants were 588 adolescents (50% boys, 96% Dutch) ages 12–15. Adolescents completed a brief online survey after school hours for five consecutive days. They rated conditional regard from parents and peers (e.g., “Today I felt that my parents [peers] will value me more if I do what they expect from me” and “Today I felt that my parents [peers] valued me for who I really am” [reverse-coded]). In addition, adolescents rated their self-esteem (e.g., “Today I felt satisfied with myself”), authenticity (e.g., “Today I acted as I really am”), anxiety (e.g., “Today I felt anxious”), challenge seeking (e.g., “Today I sought out activities that I found challenging”), and approval seeking (e.g., “Today I went out of my way to show off my successes”).

We conducted mixed-effects multilevel models, with daily measurement occasions nested within individuals (for details, see OSF preregistration). As hypothesized, on days when adolescents experienced more conditional regard, they experienced lower self-esteem, lower authenticity, and higher anxiety, and they avoided more challenges. Unexpectedly, they were less likely to seek approval for successes, perhaps because they were less likely to perceive successes on those days or did not want to risk further evaluation. Results were similar for conditional regard from parents and peers.

This study provides evidence on the daily experiences of conditional regard during the critical developmental period of adolescence. Perhaps more than any other developmental period, adolescence revolves around the dual task of developing an autonomous identity and forging new social relationships (Crosnoe, 2011; Thomaes et al., 2017). Experiences of conditional regard may complicate this process, as they may pressure adolescents to sacrifice their autonomous identity for the sake of earning social approval.

Authors

• Eddie Brummelman, Universiteit van Amsterdam (UvA)
  Presenting Author

• Hae Yeon Lee, Stanford University
  Non-Presenting Author

• Carol S Dweck, Stanford University
  Non-Presenting Author